I've hesitated to post about this. Mostly because I have deep shame regarding my diabetes. It's like saying my weight out loud. However, I went to the doctor this week.
The good news: I'm down 15 pounds from my last visit. The bad news: It wasn't 30 pounds.
I wanted to be doing so much better. I mean, yes - 15 pounds is great. It's a decline. But it's such a small dent in such a big number I still have to lose.
And I know it's my fault - like, totally. I should be adding exercise into the mix, and I haven't.
I hate obsessing and shaming myself over this. Six months ago, I wasn't freaking out about my weight. I was accepting my size and realizing my body was no one else's concern. I was learning to love me. And I still know that. But, I have these creepers of self-hate and shame that have been crawling through my brain ever since the diabetes diagnosis. How could you have let yourself get so out of control? How are you so unhealthy? You don't even look human.
I hate that I have this shame infection instead of just dealing with the disease.
However, let's focus on the positive - I lost fifteen pounds in a few weeks. That's cool. Also, my blood sugar is super under control and I may be able to get off insulin in the future with further weight loss. That's my goal. That, and getting in shape for swim suit season.
Just kidding about the swim suit season. Haha!
The biggest thing I'm doing to keep my sugar down is eating fewer carbs than the dietician suggested. Where they told me to eat 45 - 60 per meal, I try to keep it down to about 30.
It's actually not hard. Not really. Non-starchy vegetables.
Non-starchy vegetables are normally 5 - 10 grams of carbs per cup (cooked vs. uncooked). If you follow the diabetic exchange, they're free. I say fuck that noise. I count every carb in my mouth.
Broiled, sautéed, boiled, raw, salad - I eat tons of veggies. I fill up on veggies and have some fish or chicken.
Slowly, my cravings for other foods are calming down. Of course, I've backslid. Of course.
After I wake up with a carb hangover, I start the day with a measured cup of barley flakes or Greek yogurt and get back on track.
I mean, what's the alternative? Losing my toes to diabetes? Losing my life?
Whatever. Veggies fo' life, yo.