Sunday, July 21, 2013

I Hate Loving You (Food)

I started this whole blog because I wanted to be able to love food again. Mission accomplished.

So, now I'm all, "Food, I love you! Let's run away together and raise goats." And food is all, "OK, but first let's finish this Chinese food and Heath milkshake." And we do. Then, we don't go anywhere because we're fat and sluggish from all the junk food.

My food addiction - and carb addiction - is so much harder to kick than my problem with Adderall (and other substances) was. With drugs, you get it out of your system, then you get mental distance and clarity, then you appreciate being sober. Maybe you have some backsliding here and there, but if you can stay clean long enough you grow to feel like you'd rather grab some coffee or a fro-yo instead of doing lines in a bathroom. You may even get control to the point that you can use substances for fun once in a while instead of feeling driven to the point of insanity to escape your boring, non-Technicolor, sober life.

But food... You don't ever get to have that distance. You have to eat; not doing so isn't an option. Even if it was, not-eating doesn't feel better than eating (although, I guess anorexics would argue that and there is the whole brain chemistry euphoria of starvation).

You get through the worst of it when you go through carb withdrawal. Obsession. I just want a cookie. I just want ice cream. I want a biscuit. You get through that, though.

Then, you make a conscious decision to cheat. I'm going to have a just a bite of chocolate. One square. I feel good! I feel in control. I had one square of chocolate, and I can stop.

Then, it's an empty chocolate bar wrapper followed by a week of nightly snacks and five pounds gained back. Every morning I tell myself I'm getting back on track, and I'm good all day - then night happens.

And my blood sugar is in control! If it wasn't, it'd be so much easier, but I'm not getting highs. If I was, I'd be all scared, which would help force me back through the withdrawals.

Where is my rock bottom!

So, today I'm starting over. Back on track. Weighed myself, checked my sugar, took all my meds, wrote down everything I ate with their carb counts (it's just the first meal of the day, no biggie). Lunch will be something sensible. Dinner will be sensible. Tonight, I'll keep myself busy so I don't think about wanting a cookie or ice cream or something equally harmful as badly. I'll go to bed.

Tomorrow, I'll wake up and weigh myself, check my sugar, take my meds, write down everything I eat. Tomorrow, it won't be such a struggle to just not eat something I shouldn't. Then the day after, then the day after, each day easier than the last. Days all standing in a row, queuing up to my forever.

I understand one day at a time in a way I never understood when I was abusing drugs. No drug ever had the control over me that food has.

Diet experts argue over the merit of a cheat day or cheat meal. Maybe that works for some people, but it's the worst idea in the world, for me. Food junkie. One cookie is too many, and there's no such thing as enough.

Food is the lamest addiction ever!