Sunday, October 16, 2016

Ugh, Diabetes - Still?

It's kind of funny. I first created this blog after I found out I had diabetes as a way for me to come to peace with it and myself. However, I've not really talked much about it. Probably because I don't put much thought into it.

My sugar has been stable for a long time. Obviously, I don't pay much attention to carb counting. Once in a while, I'll remember to test my sugar.

Today, I was once again forced to confront it in a way I hadn't in quite a while.

I went on Wellbutrin a couple of months ago. My miracle worker of a doctor recognized a severe and lifelong depression in me and told me that I didn't have to feel that way. What a curious thought: I didn't have to feel the despair that idealized suicidal thoughts and anxiety that made all social interactions nearly impossible without drugs or alcohol. Obviously, it was an option that I'd chosen for a few decades, but I had other choices.

One of the off-label effects of Wellbutrin is a reduction of cravings/binge-eating/appetite. Not everyone experiences it, but I have. It's actually just as freeing as the lack of depression. No longer are food cravings so intense I can't think of anything else. No longer am I falling into food as a cure for boredom. It's freaking lovely. While I haven't lost any noticeable weight (or possibly any, as I stay away from scales to avoid disordered eating), having that level of control is amazing. I'm still struggling to figure out how much food I actually want and over-ordering/buying/cooking, but that's a great problem to be dealing with.

It's actually turned me into the girl who forgets to eat. It's like I've turned into a unicorn.

Which leads to this morning. 

In the past, I've skipped breakfast and still took my Metformin without issue because my sugar was high enough that I wouldn't dip into a dangerous low. Jon and I had a movie to get to at noon, so we rushed out, planning to grab something on the way. Timing was off, so we ended up just going to the theater.

Sometime in the movie, I began feeling headache-y. Then severely nauseous. For those of you without diabetes, that means my body is trying to warn me that my sugar is getting low and to eat something. Being in the middle of a movie, I didn't want to get up and miss some of the plot. Then, I got exceptionally cold. Followed by struggling to keep my eyes open. Followed by shivering.

After the movie was over, I had to give Jon the embarrassing news that I hadn't cared for myself enough and now needed an emergency juice. 

When I was first diagnosed, I developed severe carb/calorie restricting practices (tied in with daily weigh-ins, obsessive food journaling, and blood sugar chronicling) that forced me to monitor my sugar closely in case it got too low. I really don't want to develop those habits again, because it began looking like an eating disorder and was ruling my life. However, it looks like it's time to keep my monitor on-hand and some glucose tabs in my purse. 

Also, eat breakfast, stupid.