Ugh - Mortality

Something bad happened this week that has tied into the idea of my dad dying and my mom's death.

I had the worst fever I've ever in my life had (which is impressive - I've been hospitalized twice in my adult life for scary infections). Hallucinations, convulsions, chills, lasting for hours. No apparent reason.

And then my period started.

That's so not normal. I've been Googling stuff ever since, and I'm half-convinced I have cancer. At the very least fibroids. SOMETHING ISN'T RIGHT.

Guess who has two ovaries and hasn't scheduled a doctor's appointment.

There's something comforting in the ignorance. While I know something isn't right, I don't KNOW something is wrong. I'm housing Schrodinger's uterus.

While I was squeezing 10 more minutes of bed time out of the morning, I realized I'm going to be 37 soon. Then 40. At some near future, people will stop thinking I'm in my twenties. I should dye the blue out of my hair because it might be ridiculous at my age. My face won't be oily forever. My skin won't always be soft.

Or maybe it will. Maybe I was off by a decade when I thought I'd be dead by 30. Maybe it's 40 I'll never see, and won't have to worry about old age.

I don't have a will; I need to make a will. I need to get out of debt so I have something to have a will about. At least I have life insurance. Does my father have life insurance? I guess it doesn't matter because he's a veteran. I have life insurance for Jon, too. He's going to outlive me. I hope he gets over the idea that he'll never love anyone else.

So, of course that ruined the last ten minutes of almost-sleep that's better than the entire six hours before.

Does anyone have a life-changing eye cream to help prevent wrinkles? I don't want to look old.

I thought I came to terms with getting older.

My Aunt Flo Hates Me

It's been well over a month (maybe two?) since my first/last epic period, but the bitch is back, and I've started again. Here's hoping it's not as insane as the last one.

Periods for women of size can be weird. So many of us have various issues - endometriosis (where menstrual lining forms in places other than the inside of the uterus) and Poly-Cystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS for short) being top among them - that either cause or are caused by weight gain, that when we bleed or ever stop bleeding is a crap shoot. Also, just like with our peers at the opposite end of the weight spectrum - the anorexics - our periods may just stop happening until we're a less extreme size.

So, my period disappeared for about a year this time. It happens (to me) on a regular basis (ha! regular). In May(?), I got my first period in a while, not surprisingly after I finally got on my thyroid medicine and regulated my blood sugar. It was the worst I'd had in about 13 years (the other time it was like that was also after I was put on thyroid medicine). It was severe enough that my husband and I debated whether I needed to go to the hospital.

I missed my period last month, but appear to have started again. I'm hoping it's not as bad as the one in May.

I'm also losing weight, which means I'm beginning to worry about pregnancy. My husband and I have both been wishy-washy about whether we want children, which has been a non-issue because I am so extremely fat and not having periods - which means pregnancy is way unlikely. Add to that the scars over my uterus (that's a story for a party!), and we've not really had to worry about protection or pregnancy.

However, with lowering numbers on the scale (I weigh myself everyday, and it's been my biggest motivator) and the resurgence of my menstrual cycle, it's something we might have to rethink (maybe - losing weight doesn't get rid of scar tissue).

Regardless, my period gives me the balls to issue myself a cheat day. I'm making chicken nachos (with homemade tortilla chips and fresh salsa because I'm not some insane person looking to ingest preservatives and shit) for dinner, ate some homemade shortbread cookies (11 grams of carbs each) and might even have a homemade fudge-cicle (11.75 carbs each with peanut butter, banana, and almond milk). I'm going insane!

When Menstrual Cycles Attack

So, something that a lot of people don't know is that, sometimes when you're really fat, you don't have a period.

So, being fat isn't all bad stuff!

It's caused by all sorts of fat by-products.  Either I've dropped enough weight or my thyroid medicine is the cause, but I've spent the last few days in a near hemorrhage.

So, here is a list of what's awesome about being a geyser of uterine lining that never sleeps.

• I've gotten intimately acquainted with my bed.
• I have a reason to buy a new set of sheets. (Seriously, it's like a murder scene)
• I have an excuse to be both irritable and weepy.
• Explaining bloodstains is a conversation starter.
• I have looked the other way when chocolate found its way to my mouth.

Obviously, I missed my period immensely and am so glad it's back.